Brow Beaten

Welcome back to Sean-derland, everyone! I love this show. It's fun to speculate and be appalled and to laugh with you each week. So let's get started!

Lucky AshLee gets the first 1 on 1 date. "The cougar's back in town," chirps Tierra. Ohhhhhh snap. She did not just say that.

St. Croix is beautiful.  And ASHLEE IS IN ST. CROIX, EVERYBODY! And ASHLEE LOVES SEAN! Juuust like Sean loved Emily in London. Loudly.

So they had to swim to and from their yacht, but did you notice her hair was always dry? They roll around making out in the surf and her hair is dry. They dive off the back of the boat, and her hair is dry.

I always wonder, what about their clothes that they left on the beach? Does someone pick it up and take it to the boat? Do they pack for the day ahead of time and it's waiting for them at their destination? And if that's the case, why do they always act surprised at where they're going, when they had to have an idea in order to pack the right outfits? This kind of thing stresses me out!

After a day of frolicking about, Sean asks AshLee if there's anything else he should know... Seriously? Did you really expect her to say "no"? Of course there's going to be something else! Like getting married in high school! But alas, it wasn't that big of a deal to our Bachelor. That's good, because they're sort of cute together. I mean, she's got loads of problems. LOADS. But she's sweet and I rather like her. And her eyes don't freak me out like they used to.

Tierra finally gets her 1 on 1 date. And she HATES it! "I deserve to be on a yacht. I'm hot, I'm gross, I'm thirsty," she whines to the camera guy. But to Sean, she gushes, "I'm so happy! This is the best day ever!" The girl is a freak. Because... when they were sitting on the dock at night, did you see her TOENAIL? You can't have missed it! It is the longest toenail I have ever seen! Seriously, it's worth a rewind. Ewww!

It's group date time! And time to catch the girls without makeup. Or clothes. Did you hear Lindsay say, "I'm naked!" And in the same bed as Des? Catherine is the only one who doesn't seem to mind. "I've gotta pee and I'm good to go!" (Catherine. Don't talk like that. It's crass.)

It did seem like a pretty cool date. Loved the sunrise to sunset across the island. Des talked his ear off. He kissed Lindsay (she seems so young) a lot. Even with the big zit by her mouth. And they all played in the water, where he climbed on tiny Catherine's shoulders, squeezing her head between his massive tree trunk thighs. What was he thinking?

During her one on one time, Sean asks Catherine if there was anything else he should know before hometowns and she tells him her dad had a suicide attempt in front of her and her sisters when she was just 14.  Seriously. The guy needs to stop asking that question. 

Lesley's 1 on 1 date was dumb. So was the thing she was wearing. You're going home girl. Apparently you literally need to scream that you love him to get a rose. You've not even whispered it. It's been nice knowing you.

Sean's sister got a free trip to St. Croix for nothing. Because....
Tierra flipped the heck out.

"People have judged me because I haven't said, 'Good morning.' Because of the look on my face and my eyebrow. I CAN'T CONTROL MY EYEBROW! I can NOT control my eyebrow!" she shrills.  "I can't control what's on my face 24-7. If I could walk around with a smile on 24-7, I would, but my face would get frickin' tired!"

She takes a deep breath and....

"My parents tell me I have a sparkle! My mother said, "Don't let them take your sparkle away! Girls are jealous of me. Men LOVE me! I'm better than all of you!"

Tierra, dear? Just one question. What happens if when you turn, let's say... 32, your eyebrow stops working? Then what? At least you'll always have this. 

Wasn't it beautiful when she hears him coming and she starts her no tears fake cry? She peeks through her fingers to see if it's working.... "I'm so sensitive and I have such a big heart," she whimpers. I get emotional because I care."

Finally our Bachelor has had enough. "I, uh, I think you're absolutely psycho and, I uh, I'm crazy about you and care so much about you. You have this huge dent in your forehead that's Freaking me out I think its best that you go home now. I can’t keep you here knowing how hard this is for you. And knowing how gross your toenails are." 

Uh, yeah. Okay. Whatever. At least she's gone! The look on her face when she heard he was originally just there to take her to meet his sister was priceless! As she drives off in the Reject Van, again I wonder, what about her stuff? Does she get to go back to pack? Does the Bachelor Fairy pack for her?

Lesley follows Tierra out the door and Catherine has a random meltdown. "If he doesn't want Lesley, I don't know why I'm here," she gasps between sobs. "She h-has more in c-common with him than I d-do... My beliefs are shattered about what he wants!" I think the heat must have gotten to our small bachelorette, because that made no sense whatsoever. Would you rather he had sent you home then? Rein it in toots. He hates drama.

Next week we're off on the hometown dates with Des (whose brother looks like he's ready to slug Sean), AshLee, Lindsay (and her four-star general dad), and Catherine, who I'll admit I'm really curious about. Can't wait!

Dear Sean,
Jammie Cocoa Christmas, huh? Sucking your thumb? (face palm)