It’s a brand new season of the Bachelorette with a brand new aquamarine Bentley that matches Des' jewelry, a brand new annoying twitter feed, brand new men, and a brand new roller-skating, seagull terrorizing montage set to dumb (yet somehow appropriate) music ~ “She’s cra-crazy….”
Isn’t it great?
Let’s check out the buffet…
Bryden is the nice guy who served our country, has the haircut of a 4-year-old, and sported a zit on the corner of his mouth. Yep. Right there on the corner.
Will, the happy yoga practicing banker and serial high-fiver, went home after it became apparent he watched too much Seinfeld.
Drew. First out of the limo and first to get a rose, he’s a Jake Pavelka look-alike with perfect hair and a sad back-story. He’s one of my early favorites.
The magic tailor man. Dear Nick R., you went home because you’re sorta weird.
The hashtag guy. Kasey, #youhavedumbshoes. #youwillprobablynameoneofyourkidshashtag. #gohome.
Zak. The naked coffee drinking balcony guy, who, when he’s not exposing himself to wildlife, is a "drilling fluid engineer.” I don’t know what that is, but it sounds nasty. Apparently unable to keep his clothes on, Zak shows up shirtless and later strips and dives into the pool. In the words of Kasey: #Shrinkage.
Robert. This guy has big lips (shudder), and he claims to have invented sign spinning. Uh, yeah. When he got out of the limo, he took off his tie and threw it in the bushes. He’s two for two. Let’s send him home.
Mike, the quasi British dental student, shows up wearing his white smock and tells Des she can call him McDreamy. That’s sorta sad, isn’t it? Even sadder, Mike? You should have pulled out that faded English accent and she’d have kept you no matter what you wore.
Brandon, the motorcycle guy with a sad back-story, flipped a coin and came on the show. He’s been there two hours and already knows she’s his wife. I think you’re headed for disappointment pal.
Brooks. He’s the guy with the sorta sharp teeth (did you notice?) and long shaggy hair, who didn’t say a word during the opening, yet seems to be in every upcoming preview.
Brad whips out a wishbone and somehow makes it through for another week.
Michael fishes around in the dirty fountain water for Des’ original penny so she can have a "do-over." The guy is a federal prosecutor. That’s gotta count for something. I might like this guy.
Mikey T. Mike, Michael, Mikey… I’ve got nothing. Nothing, but the fact that a big burly guy in his late 20s still goes by the name Mikey.
James No Neck didn’t give much of an impression either (other than his neck). At least not until they showed previews of what’s to come.
Dr. Larry botches a dance move, swears all the way into the mansion, repeatedly apologizes nearly falling asleep in the process, takes his glass on and off, and on and off, and on and off, and gets sent home.
Zack K., (who looks exactly like Nick M, and Mikey T, and Michael G, and Zak W), wore tennis shoes with his tux and looked like a spaz.
Who told Diogo that wearing the silver knight get up was a good idea? The minute he took the mask off we all shouted, “Put it back on dude!”
Then there’s Chris, the shoe tying guy.
Brian, the soft jacket guy, who looks like a young, pre-facelift Rupert Everett.
Micah, the crazy suit guy. “Do you love it?” Uh, no, Sport. She didn’t.
Nick M., the poem guy.
And Dan, who makes absolutely no impression, other than he’s CUTE and is a Jeff Probst look-alike.
And then…. Juan Pablo. "Say who. Juan. Juan Pablo. JuanPablo.” Look, call him whatever you want. The guy gave her chocolate out of his pocket. I say Juan Pablo gets the rose!
Ben with the adorable kid, who I was totally rooting for until he said he and Brody’s mom were “just two best friends having a kid together,” seems to be this season’s putz.
Last, and certainly least, Fantasy Suite Guy, Jonathan. You know, the Fantasy Suite card thing at the beginning was just this close to being a cute idea. Until he opened his mouth. "I am the kind of guy who does bold things," mumbles Jonathan. "I just want to get her and me alone, and then I'm going to try and kiss Desiree...on the mouth." But in this guy’s case, actions speak louder than words. The resident psycho prepares a creepy little room with candles and pillows, does some push-ups, and tries to drag Des into his den of inequity. Rejected and angry, he spouts off, "My mom says I'm good looking! My love tank has not been depleted for years... We're looking at, like, a very large love tank!"
So there you have it. Diogo, Will, Dr. Larry, Jonathan, Micah, Mike R., and Nick R. are roseless, and we’re left with… what exactly are we left with? (Maybe she should just pick Chris Harrison). Bring on the drama! Bring on something!
If all else fails there’s always counting…
Number of times Des has cried: 3
References to Cinderella, fairy tales, or Prince Charming: 5
Poor childhood: 2
“I know my husband is in this room”: 1
Pass the Venezuelan chocolate around and keep on watching!
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