Decisions, Decsions, Decisions

Well, here we are! It's the hometown dates with four completely interchangeable women!

Dear sweet, kind, serious, slightly desperate, AshLee,
See, here’s the thing.  When you say, “I love you!” to a guy, and he just says, “You amaze me,” or, “You’re the best,” or “Oh stop,” it generally means HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. That, and there was like no emotion on his face. At all.  I just don’t think it’s gonna happen for you. You really should have gone home, but after the whole “five foster homes in one year” thing, and the “Are you going to break my daughter’s heart? (Sean: "Why yes, yes I am.") I swear I’m gonna break your legs if you do” comment, well, you just got a day pass honey. And tip: In the future, you might not want to tell your parents every detail. Pops looked madder than a Texas tornado.

Dear Ileenie,
Ain’t gonna happen. She’s just not “fun” enough for him. I know you want AshLee for the win (see our during the show texts below), and on paper it looks good. Her father is a pastor. His father is a reverend. She lives in Texas. He lives in Texas. Her dad is outdoorsy.  His dad is outdoorsy. She organizes closets. He has a closet. But “love is… on the horizon” just isn’t gonna cut it. And that’s okay. Because it sorta sounds like she wants to marry her dad.

Ilene: I’m surprised that he kept Catherine.
Me: No. Surprised he kept AshLee. He’s not into her!
Ilene: What do u mean? Who’s ur pick?
Me: You can tell AshLee is way more into him than he’s into her.
Me: I’m sticking with Catherine. But the fam thing worries me.
Ilene: Really? I think AshLee is his fav.  She’s perfect 4 him.
Me: No she’s not!
Ileen: No not Catherine. She’s detached from him.
Ileen: Both their dads are preacher men. Both really religious.
Me: But she’s not fun. And he wants fun.
Ilene: She can be fun.
Me: AshLee had a weird mark on her nose.
Ilene: Who cares about a spot on her nose… she has 2 arms.

Dear cute, fun, Catherine,
When he’s with you, he’s smiling. At least he was until your sisters told him you were messy and moody and likely to dump him when the fun was gone. And now he’s not sure your lives "align" and that you have “big lofty” career goals. Ooooh snap. You’d better find out what the big clunk means by that before you go much further.

Dear Sean,
What do you mean by that? It’s 2013 pal! There’s only one more rung to sink on the evolution ladder, and I really don’t want to have to do that. You’re lucky. You’ve got a cute girl who “loves the way you smell (apparently even when you’re dripping in fish juice) and your big beefy arms.” Do not blow this.

Dear Lindsay, 
You're cute. Young. Fun. Carefree. Great family. Did I say young? And I’m just not sold. I just don’t feel anything either way. I don’t think Sean does either.

Dear Des,
You have a great house. Everyone wants to know how a young gal is able to afford that in LA. Are you talking to your brother yet? I mean, what was that?! The “boyfriend” was great though. Sean was about to slug him. Looooved it when the “boyfriend” gestured to the cameras and said, "You're gonna be with this actor? This isn't real!" Shhhhh! We believe every single thing that happens on this show!

Thankfully, Sean can't think with his shirt on. He's so confused! And he's running out of time to fall in love and get engaged. Oh, the thrilling suspense of it all! Thank goodness Chris Harrison is there to offer his sage advice in our Bachelor's time of need: "Get this right."

So what have we learned?

• Chris Harrison doesn't really have sage advice.
•  There are quite possibly chiggers in the long grasses of Houston.
•  There's something scary inside AshLee's parent's house.
• Apparently Sean can give as good as he gets. "So tell me Mr. AshLee's Dad, why did you let your under-aged daughter get married? Didn't you have to sign for that?" BOOM!
• Catherine is a superhero because not only can she lift Sean on her shoulders, but she can catch a fish with one hand. One hand! 
• No one lives in Lindsay's town.
• If you have a crazy brother, keep it a secret.
• Sean wears Calvins. 
• Falling in love can only happen in an exotic location. 
• We've wasted three hours of our lives this week.

So, Fellow Time Wasters, do you think Sean got it right? Did he make a mistake? Should he have kept Des over Catherine? Do you think Des is going to be the next Bachelorette? 

And what about One Armed Sarah? If she was the Bachelorette, her bachelors would probably include a guy in a wheelchair, a blind guy, and a deaf guy who signs. Except that would never work because they’d never be able to talk.

Until next time!