Sometimes a cave is just a cave

The final three! Are you ready for the Further Misadventures of Sean the Bachelor? Here we go!

"Just like high school"

Is it just me, or does the sight of living breathing Peeps, fried larva for lunch, mystery fruit on a stick, scary gremlin monkeys on the beach (who can attack you at any moment and rip your face off), seem kind of super disturbing? Lindsay certainly doesn't think so. "If we end up together our normal vacations will be just like this," she chirps. Ah the sweet naiveté of youth.

But none of that matters because cute fun Lindsay has decided that she's gone from "falling in love" to "in love" with Sean. But for some reason she's having a hard time saying it. "I luh... I... I luh..." she finally spits it out in that awful grating baby voice (why do they all start to sound like that?), "I love you," she mews. The music swells and the Virginal Fantasy Suite suddenly becomes a camera free zone (although I think Lindsay totally would have done it).

Sometimes a cave is just a cave

37. The number of times AshLee has said a form of the word "abandon." 
18. The number of times she has said she loves Sean. Just kidding. It was only 17.
63. The number of times AshLee has discussed her trust issues.

Sean wants his wife to be able to trust him. “Hey AshLee, you have a fear of abandonment, right? Okay, well I'm going to need you to follow me into this dark, wet, hole so I can see if you'll be able to make it through without losing it.”

By the way, why is the water bright green? It’s weird. And doesn’t it sort of seem like the water in their little cove should be stagnant? And what about the tide. What if they got stuck in the cave during high tide? And how did they get out? And how did they get the aerial shots inside the cave? Believe me. A couple of us spent quite a bit of time on this! Who cares who’s going to win this thing? We want to know about the tide!

After an indeterminable amount of time of tugging on her bikini strings, leading her on, making out in the cove, and listening to AshLee explain how their relationship is like this cave...

83. The number of times AshLee has said a form of the word "abandon." 
42. The number of times she has said she loves Sean.
129. The number of times AshLee has discussed her trust issues.

Confident that Sean is made for her, she announces with deadly calm, "I want a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around the band. I know what I want. I always get what I want.”

Look at me when I’m talking to you!

I love how Sean pretends he has no idea he’s about to be tackled from behind by his next date. It could be the Nyquil talking, but is it awful of me to say that I don’t remember much about this date... except a lot of kissing, a lot of math, her white bikini top (hated it), no eye contact when she’s talking to him, lightening, a lot of talk about nerds and best friends, and whining that she got called “chubby” (cry me a river). "I've honestly never been in a bathing suit more times in my life than I have with you!” And did you notice that they didn’t even touch their food? No one ever eats on this show.

The next morning, a nearly naked Sean has stripped down so he can think. Not that there’s a lot to think about. He’s gonna ditch the crazy lady who gave him her ring size and can’t stop crying during the video message. "Because of who you are to me, I know that I am no longer broken," she sobs. Sean appears to be choking back tears. But actually he’s freaking scared to death that she’s gonna kill him in his sleep. That girl is all kinds of crazy. And I don’t think he just figured that out when he didn’t call her name. He had to have known.

And then the Rose Ceremony...

“Blah, blah, blah, it kills me inside. Blah, blah, blah, I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted to make out with you. Blah, blah, blah."

The first rose goes to Lindsay, followed by over a minute of rumbling thunder, then Catherine scores the second rose. And then lightening strikes and AshLee’s pupils turn red and start to glow and she storms out of the room. As cute young Lindsay nervously giggles, a horrified Catherine says, “She didn’t even say good bye!”

AshLee glares everyone out of her way. “Stop!” she grinds out as Sean tries to follow. “Or I will CUT YOU!" 

Our nervous bachelor pleads, “Can I just explain myself, please? I thought it was you from the very beginning. I felt like our relationship was... there was a lot of intensity there. And this was honestly the hardest decision that I've ever had to make. I think the world of you... I hope you know where I'm coming from." 

Tearless and fuming to the end, she mutters, “Whatever.”

Hey Sean, remember when you gave the lamest reject kick-off explanation ever?

So here’s what I’m thinking...

AshLee is what he thinks he'll eventually want (aside from the fact that she’s nuts), but he’s just not there yet. She’s just too grown up and too mature for him. And while he may think Lindsay (aka his high school sweetheart) and nerdy Catherine are what he wants now, I just don’t think any of it is going to last, no matter who he picks. And actually, none of that makes sense if you consider how he was supposedly in love with Emily, who's as serious and boring as you can get.

I still think he’s going to pick Catherine. They’re the most alike. Despite their differences. And if that makes no sense, it’s because I’m sick and I’m watching Lois and Clark reruns while I’m typing this. And by the way, a Bachelor season with Dean Cain as the Bachelor would be A-ma-zing!”

Here’s what Kari is thinking...

Did you see the previews and the letter Chris Harrison hands him before he gets down on one knee? “The writing looks Asian!” she declared. And she should know because she went to high school in Cerritos.

So what are you thinking?

Who wrote the letter? Is he really in love? Would you eat fried larva to impress a guy? 

Until next time, Fellow Time Wasters!