Too Good To Be True

Greetings, my friends!  Now, this time, say it like a vampire would – kind of trill your “r’s”…. “Greeeetings, my friends!” Excellent! Here’s your reward.

On to bigger and better things. Like Bermuda! I want to make my own perfume and go to a glass shop and see turquoise water! And look like Emily. (sigh). Whatever. 

The first date goes to Doug Dad! It’s interesting to see Doug sort of wig out because he’s seemed so normal up until now. "It's super easy to push Doug's buttons," says Arie. I’m thinking that Emily’s well-timed entrance saved Arie from getting punched. Which would have been fun. Then Arie smirks, "That was like the hulk. Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug sad." 

Doug tells Emily that he started a charity to teach his son that one person can, indeed, change the world. (Oh, brother) "Of course you did," marvels Emily, shaking her head. "I am, like, more and more impressed with you every day." But Emily is smarter than she looks! She’s got a feeling Doug the Dad is a bit too good to be true, and asks him what would his ex-girlfriend's biggest complaint about him be? "Too much time with my son," he says. (Spare me. Give us the dirt! Tell her about the jail time!)

So then Emily asks what their last fight was about and he says, "She used to complain about me not washing her car enough." Come ON, Doug Dad! – Work with me!  "I don't want the perfect answer," sighs Emily. "I want the honest answer." And then she shares her dark side…. “I don’t work out. I sometimes don’t get out of my pajamas, and I go out. In public.” (Give me a freaking break) And what does he say? “I’m just Doug.” Well, there you have it, people.  He does have a serious flaw. The man refers to himself in the third person! “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she will let Doug know she wants a kiss.” I HATE THAT! Who does that? Ew!

Then there was the group date where the red team lost (but we got to see Sean's muscles at work, so all was not lost) and Charlie started to cry. And then Charlie gets sent home (what?!) at the Rose Ceremony and started to cry. You really need to work on that, Buddy.  Just…. Cheer up, Charlie. Give me a smile… 

Can we like, talk about One-F-Jef for like a second? Because, like, he’s sort of, like, a little boy. She even kissed his boo-boo. And like then he like dressed up like some bizarre version of like an English School Boy with blue knee socks. And like, it’s just like weird. But he likes her. And he likes being with her. So, like, he gets the rose. Like again.  

And then the completely awkward Two on One date with Wolf and Nate!  Abort! Abort!  Nothing good can come of this! Send them both home! Why prolong the agony? Neither of them, (along with Long-haired Michael, who’s been sporting ugly headbands lately), has said a single thing for three weeks! And then, Nate, the Ricky look-a-like, starts to cry. What is it with these guys?

And then there’s Bobblehead Chris, who is ticked off with Doug Dad for saying he’s a young’un. Well, Chris, you are. And you have a weird face. So there.

Did you notice Arie putting the moves on Emily’s knee? He does that a lot. It'll take him far in this game.

Did you notice the continued perfection of My Man, Sean? The Genetic Gift? Just sayin’.

So let’s close with Cockatoo Head Ryan. Or as my dear friend, Ileen, calls him, “The pervy revivalist minister.” "As the Bachelorette, she's been given a great responsibility," he says gravely, "and I want to see her do a lot with it."  (She’s gonna do a lot with the money she gets paid for having to endure fools like you, Bird head). And then when she calls him on his arrogant remarks, like calling her a trophy wife, and about her getting fat, he says, "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman!" 

Unfortunately he didn’t stop there… "Coming into this I was praying not only for myself, but I was praying for you, that you would use this opportunity to really impact tons and tons of people.  There's going to be tons of young ladies who are going to watch you and see how you respond to men, and how you treat them, and how you treat yourself." Oh, hush up. You’re just mad she was kissing Arie in the hallway.  If it had been you, I'd not be typing this.

And then…. He reasons if he does get sent home all will be well. "I'm involved with the media back home. I'm gonna say, let's do Bachelor Ryan. If I was the Bachelor it would be neat for everybody to see!” You’ll be lucky if you make it to Bachelor Pad. Creep.

So what do you think? Will she finally ditch Ryan? 

Were you surprised she kept him and got rid of Cryin’ Charlie?

Are you starting to like her more?

Would you like to know where you can purchase socks like One-F-Jef’s? 

Cheerio, my friends! We're off to London next week!