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| There was a part of me that wanted to run and knock that thing down. |
Apparently Des “wants a love that can light the darkness” and you, well, you barely lit the match. Translation: You are sooooo boring. I mean, you actually ate the food at dinner. The best part of your date was the chocolate pretzels.
But seriously. Why are all these guys crying already? I don’t get it. They barely know her, and yet they’re all crying when they leave.
Oh snap. The first ever Bachelorette’s Mr. America Pageant!
I love how their suits already had their names on them. I mean, who gets to decide that? Can you just hear the crew giggling behind the scenes? “Let’s get Ben to wear this!”
Dear Ben,You know you loved that teeny little suit. Don’t even try to pretend you didn’t.
Dear Mikey,
You were disappointed you couldn’t “show anything off”? Really? What were you trying to show off? You’re gross.
Dear Drew,
"The last thing I want to do is walk across the stage in nothing but a mankini, a banana hammock." (They gave that to Who?Juan Pablo). Okay, well, just a suggestion, pick a different reality show. And by the way, your chest muscles look weird. Like a sculpting procedure gone awry.
In addition to the massive gay vibe that comes across at the after party, Chris friend zones himself and writes poetry (and Des loves it), one of the Zacks can’t sing, and everyone still hates Ben.
Finally it’s time for the big date of the night. We interrupt James and his chocolate covered strawberries in the bubble bath and fluffy robe, with the delivery of the date card: "James, can our love weather the storm?"
It’s hard for James to get excited about his first helicopter ride when the date ends up being a serious tour of the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. Des sighs over all the destruction, while James pretends he knows what they’re talking about. “Uh… water did this?”
We get to meet sweet Manny and Jan, whose house was destroyed on their 38th wedding anniversary. “Whaddya mean this is the Bachelorette? This isn’t Extreme Home Makeovah?” No, Manny, it’s not. But you do get to ride in a nice limo, eat dinner, and have this lovely photo album as a consolation prize. (Way to go, ABC!)
Meanwhile, Des and James head off for “take out,” and James, knowing there’s no way he’s going home after this kind of date, spills his darkest secret… he’s a cheater. But he’s a changed man! He knows that their “journey together is the epitome of weathering the storm.” Oh, for heaven’s sake, James. There’s no way you came up with that line by yourself.
Annnnd we’re back to Manny and Jan. “No, Jan. This is a nice place. Don’t put the silverware in your purse!” Seriously. Am I too insensitive? Did you want to see more of them? Well, that’s good because…
We’re back to Manny and Jan! “We were on TV and all we got was a stinkin’ photo album?”
And Des and James.
They all get to “enjoy” a performance by someone-or-other, and now I understand why Des gave their date away.
Des tells James, “I couldn’t think of anyone better to share this night with.” Uh, yes, toots, you could have. And even though she was cheated on, she tops it off with, “I feel you’re trustworthy.” WHAT? “There’s a lot to learn from Manny and Jan. No matter what the struggle, you can keep the love alive.” And there are fairies and unicorns and I think I’m going to throw up. Someone please tell me the produces made her keep him because of the storyline!
Finally the cocktail party, where we learn that Bryden isn’t dumb or dumber after all. He tells the guys, "If my feelings are not where they need to be I'm going to tell her and let her know I'm leaving." So get up and go already! Don’t make us watch a dead faced Des feebly beg you to stay. And after a 30 second pause when she calls his name, Bryden finally decides he wants to see Germany and grudgingly accepts the rose. She should have dumped him at the cocktail party.
So, my Fellow Time Wasters, where does this leave us…
Does Bryden really want to leave?
Who?Juan has a daughter? When did that happen? Everyone has a kid on this show.
Brooks needs a tan.
And Chris is starting to be my favorite.
Next week promises drama, which means there probably is none, so keep watching!
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