Shallow Ramblings: 12 Things We Learned From the Prince of Corn This Week

Welcome back, Fellow Time Wasters, to the wondrous world of unending wine, tears, roses, and grammatical incorrectness. We’re off to a rousing start!

12 Things We Learned From the Prince of Corn This Week

1. Not "playing by the rules" earns you a slow clap. Oh man. Chris let her stay. Cue the fake smiles, pitiful clapping and snark. Darn it, Kimberly! No, means NO! Now every girl is going to think she can pull this nonsense. You feed a stray cat once, that stray never goes away, Chris.

2. Chris has an outdoor shower. You know, just because.

3. When you're dating a new guy, break into his house. Since Chris H. practically ordered them to, Jillian and Megan decide to sneak into Prince Corn’s house, try on his motorcycle helmet and smash their heads into the brick wall. And his tables. And every other hard surface.

4. We are all better off for having heard about Jillian's hairy bottom. Hopefully that explains the black box of shame. And if so, we’re better off for having that as well. Oh, for the love all all that's holy. PUT ON SOME PANTS! And please tell me you were grossed out by her sitting astride his motorcycle without even covering it with something. Anything. CLOROX WIPES! STAT!

5. Bikini tractor racing on the streets of LA is stupid.

6. Telling your date he has a big nose, and admitting you've seen aliens is acceptable.
ps… Dear Mother of Kale, I’m not really ever one to advocate implants, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

7. Everything is amazing. The girls are amazing. Chris is amazing. The Grand Canyon is amazing. Helicopters are amazing. The rose is amazing. The mansion is amazing. Ashley I's eyelashes are amazing. This journey is amazing. We’re amazing. Amazing.

8. Shooting zombies is sexy. Chris thinks all the women are sexy when they shoot zombies. Crazy Ashley Onion’s job is apparently to bring on the crazy, and she does a stellar job! You go, girl! Kill those dead zombies! Again!

9. How to get a rose: Step 1: Play a virgin on TV. Step 2: Show the Bachelor your “magic lantern” belly button ring (omg), and ask him to rub it and make a wish (OMG!). Step 3. Eat his face.

10. The loss of a parent is sad. Really, really sad. But a husband killing himself right after their child is born is sadder. Sorry Megan, Juelia wins. At least you get a rose as a consolation prize.

11. Farewells can be fun to watch. Sorry Kimberly. What did you think was going to happen? That he’d pick Crazy Ashley Onion over you? Bwhahahaha. And Bu-bye two drunk girls! You’ll be missed!

12. Watching people fall is funny. Let’s watch it again so we can laugh some more.