A Whole New Level of Crazy

Hello Fellow Time Wasters! What a show! I was awake for the entire thing! But it was a few days ago, so grab a Diet Coke, sit back, and let’s rehash this thing. We’ve much to discuss!

¡Viva México!
This week we traveled to New Mexico. Or as you might know it – the perfect place to fall in love. Whatever.  As far as Megan’s concerned, it’s the place where everyone wears sombreros and shouts, Olé! Give her a break—this is her first time out of the country. 

Sex Ed.

For their waaaay-too-special date, Chris and Carly visited a creepy woman who ended up being spectacularly invested in their sex life. 

"I'm cautiously optimistic about this experience," said Chris, "but I'm a little concerned as to how weird this is going to get." Oh, Chris, you simple dingus. It got so weird. Hey, have you noticed (and this happens a lot), that sometimes the camera catches Chris staring into the distance, at nothing in particular, and we can't help but be enamored by how clearly empty his sweet, simple head is?

So after Carly is instructed to smell and feed Chris, she laments that she knows she is not the "prettiest person in the world" and that the other girls are "some of the most beautiful – physically beautiful – women I've ever seen." Thus, to the girl with body issues, who has never felt particularly pretty, and who uses "like" way to much, our boy tells her she’s “cool” and “smart”. “She has everything I want on the inside.” All better, Carly, yes? 

Jade Almost Dies

Dear Bachelor People,
Don’t you  know that Jade is too precious to deal with the cold? That was so mean-spirited of you! Again! Are you so desperate for ratings, you’re willing to kill someone?

Strays

Chris. What did I tell you about feeding stray cats! You let one come back and now everybody is going to think they can come back. And here’s something I don’t understand…. What’s the draw? What makes these rejects keep coming back? I know he’s super rich and super cute. But they do know that it’s not all free corn and fresh air… they’d have to talk to him too, right?

So everybody is freaking out that Jordan the Drunk is back. Ashley Eyelashes has always hated her and says she’s not wife material.  Whitney thinks Ashley is mean and gets the rose. Ashley reminds us that she’s still a virgin, and somehow forgot to wear her pants.

Smelly Britt

Britt doesn’t shower. She’s not showered in weeks. She doesn’t shave. Does she just hot tub it? You know how you have to sort of hold your breath when some people pass by? What happened when she hoisted her leg over the air balloon basket? Did she waft? And what about the nap? Did Chris gag? The people need to know!

So the girl who is so afraid of heights that she has a meltdown, suddenly is thrilled to be soaring over ravines in a floating wicker basket propelled by a fire-breathing balloon? And the girl, who doesn’t want kids, suddenly wants 100 of them? And the girl, who disappeared behind closed doors in a bedroom with Chris, suddenly was only taking a “nap”? And the girl, who never showers, doesn’t have greasy hair? Hmmm…. Something really does smell fishy.

  

Let's talk about Kelsey
Word of Britt’s “nap” sends Kelsey into action.  She pulls her trump card – the made up husband that she fake-kills off in order to stay on the show longer? No? 

"Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic. But amazing! I LOVE my story." Girl, you just went from 0 to Crazy so fast.  But timing is everything.  What kind of horrible person sends home the woman whose husband dropped dead on a sunny morning? Convinced she’s now safe, Kelsey tells the other women that she’ll now have to say goodbye… one of them is going home.

"This is the story of somebody who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship," said Kelsey, in some kind of bizarre self-advertisement.  The only relationship you need to grow into, toots, is with your therapist.

Ashley Eyelashes Loses It

"Not only am I not the only virgin here, but Kelsey has a story that is so much more traumatizing than mine!  And now it's just a comparison game of sad stories!” (What’s so traumatizing about virginity? Girl, who did this to you?)

Chris Cries

Did he just now realize he’s got a room full of crazies to choose from? Was it that Kelsey beat him to a fake panic attack?  Or was it that all the girls are wearing ugly little ankle boots at the Rose Ceremony?

I know. It’s almost too much to take. It’s all anyone can talk about around here. Next week they're be plenty more to discuss, as it's the dreaded double date!

TTFN!