OMG

Why am I not blogging this season?! This entire season is one giant self PARODY of every Bachelor episode combined! It's soooo bad that it Has to be all fake. And heaven help me, I can't stop watching. 

Life's Greater Pleasures

"There are few greater pleasures in life than watching people watch themselves get mocked on national television." That’s one of the things I love about the Women Tell All episode.

Can you believe it's almost over? This season has zipped along. Let's zip along too, shall we? 

At the Women Tell All:

1.    Britt’s an ugly crier, but it looks like she may have showered.

2.    Jillian’s earrings are distressingly large.

3.    Kaitlyn is wearing the same white crop top she wore to Costco.

4.    Kelsey blows her nose in Chris’ pocket square. Ew.

5.    I agree, Kardashley. That’s disgusting.

6.    Ashley Eyelashes’ reaction to Widow Poe’s “amazing story” is priceless.

7.     

8.    We now know the real reason for the Black Box of Shame

9.    I think Ashley Onion faked the entire crazy thing. Her answers seemed too contrived.  

10. Carly came across as being a mean girl, but honestly? She was right. Britt says one thing one minute and something completely different the next. Let's call it the "Britt Flip."

For example:
Britt said she didn’t want kids.

 
Britt said she couldn’t live in Arlington.

“Of course I would move to Arlington, you guys! It’s beautiful! It reminds me of where I grew up! People live in homes in the countryside! And remember what I said about the sunset?”

Oh! And I loved this:

Chris H.: So you actually think that it’s because of Carly that you’re not longer on the show?

Britt: Yes!!!!!

Oh my Gosh, seriously Britt — are you still crying to Chris Harrison about your shattered romantic dreams? It’s a commercial break, for heaven’s sake! Listen to the man with the headset and march back to your seat — it’s someone else’s turn to be mocked.

11. What was with the HUG, Britt? She totally sunk her claws into his back and wasn't letting go! I think she honestly thought he wanted that.

12. Britt Flips again.
 Britt: “I’m so sorry you listened to Carly and I got sent home! But based on those falsehoods that you totally bought into, I understand why you did what you did.”

Chris:

Britt: “I knew you’d never believe what someone else said when making an important decision.”

Huh?

The Burning Questions

So we’re down to TWO. Who’s your pick? Could Chris and his laugh live with Whitney and her voice forever and ever? Will he pick her because she’s a sure thing? Or will he go with Becca, the quiet virgin, who’s never been in love and doesn’t know if she wants to move to his farm?

More Importantly….

I’ve already pre-ordered mine! Can’t. Wait!

Well, Fellow Time Wasters, it's been fun. Personally? I'm rooting for Whitney. The thought of a kid with a high voice and a high laugh makes me immensely curious. Until next time, when the Bachelorette had better NOT be Britt!

TTFN!

Hometowns!

Annnnd we’re back.

It's time for the group date, with Kaitlyn, Britt, and Carly! It was all ice skating and lies. 

Let’s zip through this…

• Britt tells Chris how she felt about their little field trip to the farm, “We snuck out to Arlington and at first I wanted to kill myself, but then I saw the sunset and knew it was God’s country.”
• I think Carly's hand knows what we're all thinking:
  
• Then Carly tells Chris she’s “like, really freaked out” for him.
• Then Britt lies again and Chris kisses her.
• Then Kaitlyn gets the rose.
• Then Britt has a fit and rips into Chris for giving Kaitlyn the rose.
• Then Chris tells Britt he doesn’t want a smelly snake like her for a wife (or something like that).
• Then Britt sits on the curb and cries. Good bye Britt! Good bye Britt’s lipstick!
• Then Chris sends Carly home. Ah Carly. I’m sad to see you go. I’m sure we’ll see you on Bachelor Pad.

HOMETOWNS!!

There’s a lot to get through. Let’s summarize (because by the time you read this it’s going to be Monday again.)

Becca, the Quiet Virgin

• It turns out she's never brought a guy home before, so her entire family is there to witness history. 
• Talking with Becca’s sister and her mother, Chris finds out that Becca is “not an intimate person, by any means.” She doesn't like to be touched. She doesn't like public, or personal, displays of affection and has never had the urge to be close to a man before. 
• She’s quite possibly a lesbian.

Whitney

• I think I’m getting used to her voice.
• They make a baby.
• Chris wants her family’s blessing…. Oooo! He’s not said that with anyone else! SPOILER ALERT! Am I right?
• Whitney is in love with Chris.
• Whitney still hasn't seen Arlington.

Kaitlyn

• Kaitlyn is funny.
• I hate her lipstick.
• She likes rap and back allies and billboards.
• She’s got this whole Arizona/Canada thing going on.
• Her moms and dads are supportive.
• That’s all I've got. Do you see a connection? I don’t.

Naked Jade

• I seriously don’t remember anything about her family, except for the rusty cheese grater on the table in their family room.
• Jade finally reveals all. Literally.
• Chris’ giggle gets really high pitched.
• Jade leaves the laptop of porn on Chris’ coffee table….
• Chris bids adieu to Jade, “I swear it wasn't because of the pictures.  You know that, right?” Uh huh.

Next week we’re off to Bali! So who’s going to win this thing? Not Kaitlyn. There’s nothing there. Not Becca. She’s a lesbian. So that leaves Whitney? The girl who has this big career?

The big questions are:

• Did Chris look at the laptop again after Jade left?
• And if Whitney wins this thing, who’s the next Bachelorette?

See you in Bali!

“So Much Corn”

Whoa, that was a lot of Bachelor to get through this past weekend. There’s much to discuss! So find a quiet place… We need to focus!

Let’s start with Sunday’s Chris Tells All. What they really mean is Chris Tells Nothing.

Widow Poe Tells Some, and made an effort to use every big word she knew. She calls herself a mental health professional. You’re a guidance counselor, Widow Poe. You help kids with their college applications. A mental health professional is someone you need to make an appointment with. Seriously. Make an appointment.

Andi Cries A Lot and Chris H. Cries A Little. You noticed that, right? Chris Harrison was all teared up while Andi was crying? Wanna know what I think about this whole thing? I think he’s been in love with Andi for a LONG time. Raise your hand if you agree with me! Other than that, I fast-forwarded through the Andi thing.

FUN FACT:  Ashley Onion liked to wander around craft services and came up with a conspiracy theory, that what they were really doing in the production and accounting offices was running a betting ring on all the women. Personally, I think she was on to something.

In other news, Megan goes home. (Goodbye, you crazy nut. We’ll always have New Mexico). But no one else goes home, and Carly collapses from excitement.

“So Much Corn”

So the girls go to Iowa, and Jade (the girl with the “small town values”) gets invited to see Chris’ home, and his really, really, Really big back yard. Which is actually much bigger than his town. That place just needed a tumble weed or two. Am I right? Thankfully it wasn’t truly a ghost town. All 50 or so residents were at the high school football game. Jade tried valiantly (though rather unsuccessfully) to show her enthusiasm. And for Chris, it was “one of the most amazing nights” of his life, which should tell you everything you need to know about his life.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel… Jade is regaling the ladies with tales of her quasi-hometown date, and by the time she gets to the part about meeting Chris's parents, Britt's face looks like this:

Britt informs us that this week is “shaking me in a part of my soul that I’m not used to being touched in.” Take that as you will. It's all just too much for Britt, you guys. Pull it together, girl! You're going to Arlington, too! ROAD TRIP!

“Did we just pass downtown?” Yes, yes you did. What starts as a road trip full of excited screams quickly turns into one of silence when the smells of the country infiltrate the car, and the women realize that Arlington takes a total of 30 seconds to drive through. Britt sees Chris' digs, and now Britt’s face looks like this:

You’d think she’d be happier. Britt probably realized that if she can shower once every few weeks while living in Los Angeles, she’ll never have to shower out here. Who would see her to judge?

While the girls are scoping out Chris’ hometown, Whitney and Chris kiss and take selfies all over Des Moines.  They finish the rest of their date bonding in a bar with his friends, while some guy randomly saws a block of ice in half. Whitney can totally see herself living in Iowa. Of course you do, sweetie. You’ve not seen the rest of Iowa yet. 

Take a bathroom break, grab a snack. There's so much more to talk about!

TTFN

#sofreakingcrazy

Okay, let’s talk Bachelor. 

If you had to spend eternity listening to either Chris singing or Whitney talking, how long would it take before you ended your own life? 

Kelsey, or as I’ve decided to call her, the Widow Poe, got a rose. What the heck! Seriously? Oh. My. Gosh! That girl is certifiable! Raise your hand if you suddenly miss Ashley Onion! 

And because Chris actually believed the girl, poor Mother of Kale got sent home! And some girl named Samantha, who had to take a long walk home down a dark street. Did you notice that? And where was Mother of Kale? Why didn’t they walk together? How far did she have to walk? Why do these things bother me?

Moving along…. Chris and the Quiet Virgin finally have a date. Have you ever seen two more beautiful people? Their teeth are perfect for one another. On a scale of 1 to unbearable, how boring do we think this date was? It was so boring, that we didn’t get to see half of it. Mostly we saw a couple of horses and Becca’s cute outfit. Chris and Becca sit around a fire and laugh, and then talk about laughing, and then laugh some more. And Chris can roast a shish-ka-bob over an open fire with his bare hands. Also, they finally kiss. Yeah, I’m bored.

The Group Date.  

What did we learn? 

• The old man with the beard and banjo should be the next Bachelor
• Just when we thought it wasn’t possible, Whitney’s voice does get worse.
• Jade wears hair extensions.
• Chris must be used to the smell of the farm, because he gave Britt the rose.
• Looks can kill.

The Dreaded Two-one-One Date

Let’s summarize.

Kelsey says of Ashley, “She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has way too much makeup on to be genuine.” Why haven’t I been calling Ashley Eyelashes, Kardashley, all this time?!  

 

Chris takes the girls to the Badlands of South Dakota. To a weird bed in the middle of nowhere.

Ashley throws Widow Poe under the bus.

Ashley reminds Chris of what a great kisser she is. I think at one point he actually mouthed “help.” 

Chris dumps Ashley.

Chris throws Ashley under the bus.

Chris dumps Widow Poe.

Both girls have masters.

Chris dumps Ashley again.

Ashley stomps back and forth, choking on tears, lots of snot, and maniacal laughter.

Ashley throws Britt under the bus.
Chris strands them in The Badlands. 

Back at the hotel, the ladies par-tay!

 And Chris shows us all what life is really like on the farm...

Kardashley, you dodged a bullet.

As for the Widow Poe, she was last heard from as she headed to Paris. Where she can write. And inspire others.

I just adore Monday nights! 
TTFN!

A Whole New Level of Crazy

Hello Fellow Time Wasters! What a show! I was awake for the entire thing! But it was a few days ago, so grab a Diet Coke, sit back, and let’s rehash this thing. We’ve much to discuss!

¡Viva México!
This week we traveled to New Mexico. Or as you might know it – the perfect place to fall in love. Whatever.  As far as Megan’s concerned, it’s the place where everyone wears sombreros and shouts, Olé! Give her a break—this is her first time out of the country. 

Sex Ed.

For their waaaay-too-special date, Chris and Carly visited a creepy woman who ended up being spectacularly invested in their sex life. 

"I'm cautiously optimistic about this experience," said Chris, "but I'm a little concerned as to how weird this is going to get." Oh, Chris, you simple dingus. It got so weird. Hey, have you noticed (and this happens a lot), that sometimes the camera catches Chris staring into the distance, at nothing in particular, and we can't help but be enamored by how clearly empty his sweet, simple head is?

So after Carly is instructed to smell and feed Chris, she laments that she knows she is not the "prettiest person in the world" and that the other girls are "some of the most beautiful – physically beautiful – women I've ever seen." Thus, to the girl with body issues, who has never felt particularly pretty, and who uses "like" way to much, our boy tells her she’s “cool” and “smart”. “She has everything I want on the inside.” All better, Carly, yes? 

Jade Almost Dies

Dear Bachelor People,
Don’t you  know that Jade is too precious to deal with the cold? That was so mean-spirited of you! Again! Are you so desperate for ratings, you’re willing to kill someone?

Strays

Chris. What did I tell you about feeding stray cats! You let one come back and now everybody is going to think they can come back. And here’s something I don’t understand…. What’s the draw? What makes these rejects keep coming back? I know he’s super rich and super cute. But they do know that it’s not all free corn and fresh air… they’d have to talk to him too, right?

So everybody is freaking out that Jordan the Drunk is back. Ashley Eyelashes has always hated her and says she’s not wife material.  Whitney thinks Ashley is mean and gets the rose. Ashley reminds us that she’s still a virgin, and somehow forgot to wear her pants.

Smelly Britt

Britt doesn’t shower. She’s not showered in weeks. She doesn’t shave. Does she just hot tub it? You know how you have to sort of hold your breath when some people pass by? What happened when she hoisted her leg over the air balloon basket? Did she waft? And what about the nap? Did Chris gag? The people need to know!

So the girl who is so afraid of heights that she has a meltdown, suddenly is thrilled to be soaring over ravines in a floating wicker basket propelled by a fire-breathing balloon? And the girl, who doesn’t want kids, suddenly wants 100 of them? And the girl, who disappeared behind closed doors in a bedroom with Chris, suddenly was only taking a “nap”? And the girl, who never showers, doesn’t have greasy hair? Hmmm…. Something really does smell fishy.

  

Let's talk about Kelsey
Word of Britt’s “nap” sends Kelsey into action.  She pulls her trump card – the made up husband that she fake-kills off in order to stay on the show longer? No? 

"Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic. But amazing! I LOVE my story." Girl, you just went from 0 to Crazy so fast.  But timing is everything.  What kind of horrible person sends home the woman whose husband dropped dead on a sunny morning? Convinced she’s now safe, Kelsey tells the other women that she’ll now have to say goodbye… one of them is going home.

"This is the story of somebody who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship," said Kelsey, in some kind of bizarre self-advertisement.  The only relationship you need to grow into, toots, is with your therapist.

Ashley Eyelashes Loses It

"Not only am I not the only virgin here, but Kelsey has a story that is so much more traumatizing than mine!  And now it's just a comparison game of sad stories!” (What’s so traumatizing about virginity? Girl, who did this to you?)

Chris Cries

Did he just now realize he’s got a room full of crazies to choose from? Was it that Kelsey beat him to a fake panic attack?  Or was it that all the girls are wearing ugly little ankle boots at the Rose Ceremony?

I know. It’s almost too much to take. It’s all anyone can talk about around here. Next week they're be plenty more to discuss, as it's the dreaded double date!

TTFN!

I’d Rather Stab a Fork in My Eye

I have to agree with Kelsey. I think I’d rather be doing just about anything else than camp in a “hell-hole” with a “bunch of bimbos.”  But you know… I felt somewhat let down. The previews made it totally seem like there were some serious shenanigans going on (see the poll opposite). And there was nothing! NOTHING!  Other than Kaitlyn’s naked dock diving and Ashley Eyelashes insulting Chris’ manhood tent size.

But boy oh boy. Kaitlyn getting the rose on that group date didn’t sit well with Britt the Hugger. “I didn’t know you were so pro-slut. How can you validate such behavior?!”

And that made our boy mad. He looked ready to jump out of his skin! “I guess uhh. I – I see two sides like uh, Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are… not… and I don’t… those aren’t… I see the, the Kaitlyn that’s just… uh, you know what I mean. I mean, obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her I – I don’t see I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really… I mean I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior. You know. By giving roses to people uh… and I view is that a maybe… um…. I’m glad to have had this conversation with you.”

That’s telling her Chris.

It’s times like these that I wonder about Chris’ intelligence. And this…. when Jillian Harry Bottom asked him, "Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl — you don't know what she has.… Or abstain from sex for five years?"  He says, "When Jillian's talking I become very confused because the words come out much faster than my mind can process. Occasionally as Jillian's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies. It's quite beautiful."

Omg.

ABC is in full Cinderella mode. Chris’ sisters chose for him the perfect date. Jade. Wasn’t she beautiful? And the shoes! I LOVE those shoes! Chris was enraptured. Completely smitten with “the girl next door.” Who just happens to have posed for playboy. Bibbity, Bobbity, Boo-hoo-hoo.

Meanwhile, back at the bachelor ranch, Ashley Eyelashes is having a meltdown. Apparently she told him/didn’t tell him, alluded to the fact that/but he didn’t get it, that she’s innocent/a virgin, then he didn’t kiss her/but she’s a princess, and now there’s another virgin/so she’s not special...

If that actually made sense to you, you should probably stop watching this show. Watch this instead:

And so we bid adieu to Miss Harry Bottom and the black box of shame, Crazy Ashley Onion (I’ll miss her), and a couple of others who I can’t remember.

This thing needs to start RAMPING up, my Fellow Time Wasters, before I think of a lot more things to waste my time on. And before I start talking like…you know. Uh… and I view is that a maybe… um… that’s just… uh, you know what I mean.

TTFN!